Last night, Mitchell began his now-infamous routine of fighting his sleep. Out of curiosity, I decided to lay him in his bassinet. 5 minutes later with absolutely no fussing, Mitchell was fast asleep. I almost cried, and not for joy. He’s not even 5 weeks old and he already doesn’t need me to fall asleep! What’s next?
I have to say, this is NOT the type of mother I thought I’d be. I really thought I’d be a pragmatic, non-helicopter mom. I was completely wrong. When someone else is holding him and he starts to get fussy, I have to work very hard to not show my intense jealousy. I just want to snatch him back. He’s my baby and he obviously isn’t happy! Let me fix it! But I know this is crazy. No matter how badly I want to be there every single time he needs comforted, I know I can’t. I should get used to being on the sidelines now, especially since I go back to work next week. But it’s so hard! Sunday morning, I was completely exhausted so Justin decided to let me sleep in a bit. After I fed Mitchell, Justin took him to the living room and I tried to go back to sleep. It took forever. When I finally did fall asleep again, I had a nightmare that I had to leave Mitchell in someone else’s care and they left him alone. The poor baby was completely abandoned and I couldn’t find my way back to him. I woke up in a panic attack!
But I obviously can’t keep him at this age. He’s growing up. Tomorrow he will be 5 weeks old. So, since I can’t keep him at this age, I’m going to try to keep track of all the things I really don’t want to forget.
1. How great it is when he falls asleep with his head on my chest. He looks so happy and comfortable, and it’s absolutely my happiest moment.
2. The adorable mewing sound he makes when he isn’t ready to wake up yet but he’s being moved. It’s so soft it’s hard to hear, but it’s one of the cutest things I’ve ever heard.
3. The grunting/growling sound he makes when he knows the boob is near but he hasn’t managed to start nursing yet. It’s even cuter when he’s rooting and trying to latch.
4. The big smile he gets when I come stand over him, pick him up, or just start talking to him.
5. How much I love it when he just wants to be held. I’m specifically putting this one because I know that there will come a time when I’m exasperated and will say I just don’t want to hold him anymore. At that time, I want to look back and remember how beautiful this child is. I could stare at him for hours. He goes through so many expressions while he’s sleeping – smiling, grumpy, raised eyebrows, he even starts to cry in his sleep (it usually only lasts a few seconds). I guess I can also look back at this one when he’s 25 years old, unemployed, and still living at home and think, “Ah, that’s where I went wrong.”
6. His look of awe when he sees flashing lights. He even throws his mouth into a little “o” sometimes.
7. How surprised I am at just how much I love Justin and this little guy. Obviously I loved Justin already, but I had no idea how much more I could love him. The first time I saw Justin sprout a little tear at the sight of him, I fell in love just a little bit more. Every time he comes home and goes straight to Mitchell with a big smile on his face, I fall in love just a bit more. Whenever he grumbles at me for lifting more than 10 pounds, I realize just how lucky I am to have such a loving man. He loves us so much and I just can’t help but love him so much for showing it.
8. How easy it is to tell when Mitchell is having a BM. His grunts are one of his more recognizable sounds.
9. How easy it is to change his diaper right now. I’ve changed the diapers of older babies, so I know to be very thankful for this brief period of easy diaper changes. Well, easy until he does his business during the diaper change.
10. How easy it is to calm him down. No matter what’s wrong with him, there are several options to calm him down – show him his room’s strips, put him in his bouncer, put him in his swing, hold him, change his diaper, or feed him.
I think that’s it for now. I know there are more, but it’s hard to name all the reasons you love someone when you love absolutely everything about him.